┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
this is how life feels
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell