I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?