Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
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Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?