Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.