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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong