Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
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“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.