When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.