The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You Might Also Like
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Great Canadian literature.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume