Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?