Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
is this how new cars are made??