Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas