Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
john wicks are toilet candles
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe