People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.