Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
War & Peace
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Autocorrect is my menesis
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.