Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
scrabbled eggs
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
thinking about a very short hotdog
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right