I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.