Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
the answer was staring at me all along
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!