Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
#titanic
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!