Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…