doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If looks could kill
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking