*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
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Saturday
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
i spent way too long on this
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins