Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶