There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.