A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting