The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
BRO LMFAO
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do