A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut