Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Love is always patient and kind.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
new record!
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.