I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.