[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.