if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Sheep
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.