(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW