If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.