Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
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Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote