Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
asking santa clause for nudes
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
they split up moments later
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.