Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.