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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange