Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
britain’s three elite institutions
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.