I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
termite twitter scares me
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way