WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
how to have an accident 101
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.