the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.