Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
LMAO.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
OKAY DAD