Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.