*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*