Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
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My safe word is Worcestershire
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*