Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
You Might Also Like
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round