How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
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I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.