pls suprot
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Canada has crack?
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug