*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
lol
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.