me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned