If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.